4 Steps for Dealing with Inappropriate Behavior

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The DESC technique was developed by Sharon Anthony Bower, author of Asserting Yourself as a method for solving interpersonal conflict. Here’s how it works:

Describe

          Do:

  1. Describe the other person's behavior objectively

  2. Use concrete terms

  3. Describe a specific time, place, action

  4. Describe the behavior not the “motive”

          Don't

  1. Let your emotional reaction drive the conversation

  2. Use abstract, vague terms

  3. Generalize for all time

  4. Guess motives or goals

Express

          Do:

  1. Express your feelings

  2. Expressed them calmly

  3. State feelings in a positive manner as relating to a goal to be achieved

  4. Direct yourself to the specific offending behavior, not to the whole person

          Don’t:

  1. Deny your feelings

  2. Unleash emotional outbursts

  3. State feelings negatively, making them put-down our attack

  4. Attack the entire character the person

Specify

          Do:

  1. Ask explicitly for change in your downer’s behavior

  2. Request a small change

  3. Request only one or two changes at one time

  4. Specify the concrete actions you want to see stopped, and those you want to see performed

  5. Take account of whether your downer can meet your request without suffering large losses

          Specify:

             (if appropriate--what behavior you are willing to change to make the agreement)

          Don’t:

  1. Merely imply that you’d like a change

  2. Ask for two large a change

  3. Ask for too many changes

  4. Ask for changes in nebulous traits or qualities

  5. Ignore your downers needs or ask only for your satisfaction

  6. Consider that only your downer has to change

Consequences

          Do:

  1. Make the consequences explicit

  2. Give a positive reward for change in the desired direction

  3. Select something that is desirable and reinforcing to your downer

  4. Select a reward that is big enough to maintain the behavior change

  5. Select a punishment of a magnitude that “fits the crime” of refusing to change behavior

  6. Select punishment that you are actually willing to carry out

          Don’t:

  1. Be ashamed to talk about rewards and penalties

  2. Give only punishments for lack of change

  3. Select something that only you might find rewarding

  4. Offer a reward you can't or won't deliver

  5. Make exaggerated threats

  6. Use unrealistic threats or self-defeating punishment

The value of arguing with your parents

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Arguing with your parents as a teenager trains you to reject peer pressure. University of Virginia researchers observed more than 150 13-year-olds as they disputed issues like grades and chores with their mothers. Checking back in with the teens several years later, they discovered that those who had argued the longest and most convincingly—without yelling or whining—were also 40 percent less likely to have accepted offers of drugs and alcohol than the teens who were required to simply obey their mothers. Study author Joseph P. Allen says constructive debates with parents are “a critical training ground” for independent decision-making.

The Week Magazine

The Gift of Belonging

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We all need a place we can call home – not just brick and mortar and four walls, but an atmosphere that is secure, where we feel completely comfortable with each other in the sureness that we belong, and that our happiness and well-being are of utmost importance to our partner. John Powell has captured the essence of this love in one sentence: “We need the heart of another as a home for our hearts.”

You are accustomed to spending time together without quarrels and recriminations, so that you feel safe with each other. At the same time, familiarity should never bred discourtesy. The courteous kindness we show our partners should be even greater than courtesy shown to anyone else.

Although warm affection seems as simple and uncomplicated as the comfort of an old shoe, it takes a measure of time and consistent behavior to build this love in your (relationship) – time spent in proving to each other that you can be depended on to be loyal, supportive and kind. In short, that you can be depended on.

It is possible to begin developing this love now, even if you have failed in the past. It will require forgiving and forgetting past mistakes. It will necessitate a practical decision to be one against the world. It must include consistent kindness in your daily behavior, for this is fundamental to the continuance of love.

Ed Wheat, Love-Life for Every Married Couple