Imperative Thinking

While imperative people may not have their list of regulations typed on a legal document to be signed, they have a mental agenda that they apply in a wide variety of circumstances. They know how others should behave, speak, and feel, and nothing else matters to them but meeting that standard. In the meantime, the relationship is lost.

(They are) in essence stating, “I’ll accept you only after you meet my conditions.” And since each of us responds negatively to this kind of emotional blackmail, we become angry or tense. There is a hidden message of conditional acceptance. It’s as if (they are) saying, ‘I don’t think you can be trusted to make good decisions; you’ll probably foul things up… If you’ll fit my mold and be what I think you should be, we’ll get along okay; but if you don’t, I’ll have to hound you until you shape up.”

Les Carter, Imperative People: Those Who Must Be in Control

Emotional Blackmail

When someone attempts to make you take responsible for their feelings, they are committing what psychologists call emotional blackmail. A parent uses this when telling a child, "You've hurt me so much," or when a spouse says, "You hurt my feelings.

It is placing responsibility for their emotional outcome on you—pretending you have control over something that you do not. The parent may choose to become angry or sulk or become bitter or irritable toward the child. Someone may claim your action justifies their emotion. But that person is still doing the choosing of their own emotions.

When you see a family tiptoe around the house because "we don't want to upset mother (or father)," then you have a family who has decided to make everyone responsible for a single person's feelings—taking on a burden they were never meant to carry. Each family member is responsible for his or her actions. It’s the wrong goal to aim at preventing someone from ever being upset.

Elizabeth Kenny once said, “Anyone who angers you conquers you.” To allow someone else to decide how you feel is abdicating your responsibility to define yourself. Don't allow someone else to sell you on the idea that you are responsible for what they feel. Don't blackmail those around you by threatening to unleash an emotional outburst for something you yourself created.

Stephen Goforth

Let go of those who are already gone

The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.

Marc &  Angel Chernoff

The Power of Touch

A study of NBA players found the best teams touch each other a lot, while the losing teams seldom touch each other.

Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley looked at what happened between teammates during the 2009 season and found the most touch-prone were the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers, two of the league’s top teams at the time. The mediocre Sacramento Kings and Charlotte Bobcats were at the bottom of the touch list. The same held true for individual players. The study took into account the possibility of teams high-fiving just because they were winning and adjusted accordingly. Even when the high expectations surrounding the more talented teams were taken into account, the correlation persisted.

A warm touch reduces stress by releasing hormones that promote a sensation of trust. This can free up the part of the brain that regulates emotion so it can engage in problem-solving.

The investigators also tested couples, finding with more touching came greater satisfaction in the relationship. Previous research has suggested students receiving a teacher's supportive touch on the arm or back or arm were much more likely to volunteer in class, and a sympathetic touch from a doctor gives patients the feeling that a visit lasted twice as long as it actually did.

Stephen Goforth

4 Steps for Dealing with Inappropriate Behavior

The DESC technique was developed by Sharon Anthony Bower, author of Asserting Yourself as a method for solving interpersonal conflict. Here’s how it works:

Describe

          Do:

1. Describe the other person's behavior objectively

2. Use concrete terms

3. Describe a specific time, place, action

4. Describe the behavior not the “motive”

          Don't

1. Let your emotional reaction drive the conversation

2. Use abstract, vague terms

3. Generalize for all time

4. Guess motives or goals

Express

          Do:

1. Express your feelings

2. Expressed them calmly

3. State feelings in a positive manner as relating to a goal to be achieved

4. Direct yourself to the specific offending behavior, not to the whole person

          Don’t:

1. Deny your feelings

2. Unleash emotional outbursts

3. State feelings negatively, making them put-down our attack

4. Attack the entire character the person

Specify

          Do:

1. Ask explicitly for change in your downer’s behavior

2. Request a small change

3. Request only one or two changes at one time

4. Specify the concrete actions you want to see stopped, and those you want to see performed

5. Take account of whether your downer can meet your request without suffering large losses

          Specify:

             (if appropriate--what behavior you are willing to change to make the agreement)

          Don’t:

1. Merely imply that you’d like a change

2. Ask for two large a change

3. Ask for too many changes

4. Ask for changes in nebulous traits or qualities

5. Ignore your downers needs or ask only for your satisfaction

6. Consider that only your downer has to change

Consequences

          Do:

1. Make the consequences explicit

2. Give a positive reward for change in the desired direction

3. Select something that is desirable and reinforcing to your downer

4. Select a reward that is big enough to maintain the behavior change

5. Select a punishment of a magnitude that “fits the crime” of refusing to change behavior

6. Select punishment that you are actually willing to carry out

          Don’t:

1. Be ashamed to talk about rewards and penalties

2. Give only punishments for lack of change

3. Select something that only you might find rewarding

4. Offer a reward you can't or won't deliver

5. Make exaggerated threats

6. Use unrealistic threats or self-defeating punishment

I Count You

Listening attentively says, "I count you." Clearly stating what you want or feel, says, "I count myself."

Counting someone—either yourself or another person—is a means to say:

- you are important,

- I have confidence in your ability to handle situations and to recognize when help is needed,

- I trust you will follow through on promises.

On the other hand, when you discount someone (including yourself), the assumptions are the opposite: lack of faith, lack of confidence, and lack of trust.

Your counting attitude is not the same as your momentary feelings about someone or yourself. Counting is a way to say, "This person's intentions, thoughts, feelings, etc., are worth taking into account. You have value."

Stephen Goforth

You Need Two Things

Building a genuine relationship with another person depends on at least two abilities. The first is seeing the world from another person's perspective. The second ability is being able to think about how you can collaborate with and help the other person rather than thinking about what you can get.

We're not suggesting that you be so saintly that a self-interested thought never crosses your mind. What we're saying is that your first move should always be to help. A study on negotiation found that a key difference between skilled and average negotiators was the time spent searching for shared interests and asking questions of the other person.

Follow that model. Start with a friendly gesture and genuinely mean it. Dale Carnegie's classic book on relationships, despite all its wisdom, has the unfortunate title How to Win Friends and Influence People. This makes Carnegie widely misunderstood. You don't "win" a friend. A friend is not an asset you own; a friend is an ally, a collaborator. When you can tell that someone is attempting sincerity, it leaves you cold. It is like the feeling you have when someone calls you by your first name repeatedly in conversation.

Reid Hoffman, The Start-Up of You

Disenchantment

The lesson of disenchantment begins with the discovery that if you want to change – really to change, and not just to switch positions – you must realize that some significant part of your old reality was in your head, not out there. The flawless parent, the noble leader, the perfect wife, and the utterly trustworthy friend are an inner cast of characters looking for actors to play the parts. One person is on the lookout for someone older and wiser, and another is seeking an admiring follower. And when they find each other they fit like the interlocking pieces of a puzzle.

Or almost. Actually, the misfit is greater than either person knows, or even wants to know. The thing that keeps this misperception in place is an “enchantment,” a spell cast by the past on the present. Most of the time, these enchantments work fairly well, but at life’s turning points they break down. Almost inevitably, we feel cheated at such times, as though someone were trying to trick us. But usually the earlier enchanted view was as “real” as we could manage a the time. It corresponded to a self-image and a situation and it could not change without affecting ourselves and others.

William Bridges, Transitions