Wanting a Person

There may be those who have first felt mere sexual appetite for a woman and then gone on at a later stage to “fall in love with her”.  But I doubt if this is at all common. Very often what comes first (with true love) is simply a delighted pre-occupation with her in totality. A man in this state really hasn’t leisure to think of sex. He is too busy thinking of a person. The fact that she is a woman is far less important than the fact that she is herself.

 CS Lewis, The Four Loves

Falling in Love

Because love is not simply a feeling of romantic excitement; it goes beyond intense sexual attraction; it exceeds the thrill at having "captured" a highly desirable social prize. These are emotions that are unleashed at first sight, but they do not constitute love. I wish the whole world knew that fact. These temporary feelings differ from love in that they place the spotlight on the one experiencing them. 'What is happening to Me? This is the most fantastic thing I've ever been through! I think I am in love!'

You see, these emotions are selfish in the sense that they are motivated by our own gratification. They have little to do with the new lover. Such a person has not fallen in love with another person; he has fallen in love with love! And there is an enormous difference between the two.

Real love, in contrast to popular notions, is an expression of the deepest appreciation for another human being; it is an intense awareness of his or her needs and longings for the past, present and future. It is unselfish and giving and caring. And believe me these are not attitudes one 'falls' into at first sight, as though he were tumbling into a ditch.

James Dobson, Emotions, Can You Trust Them?

A one-way ticket to a toxic relationship

Many people are addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they. Many people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. This is a one-way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional — you will love your partner as long as they help you feel better about yourself. You will give to them as long as they give to you. You will make them happy as long as they make you happy.  This conditionality prevents any true, deep-level intimacy from emerging and chains the relationship to the bucking throes of each person’s internal dramas.

Mark Manson

What does she see in him?!

It happened years ago, but I've never forgotten it. I was singing and speaking at a small Midwestern college. During an informal seminar in one of the dorm lounges, a couple came in late.

I couldn't help noticing something odd about them. The girl was very attractive, close to cover-girl standards. The guy looked as if he had just walked off the set for The Nerds. He was short, wore thick horn-rimmed glasses and a plaid short-sleeved shirt. He was definitely a candidate for getting sand kicked in his face.

But the strangest thing of all was that these two were obviously in love. What could she possibly see in him? I asked myself. Suddenly I realized — she was blind.

But what did she see in him? Everything. Everything that's important about who a person is, what love is, and what a real man is. She saw everything she needed to know about him.

Blessed are the blind, for they can see people as they really are. Woe to those who can see, for they will constantly be tripped up by the image.

John Fischer, Real Christians Don’t Dance!

You Complete Me

One of the most memorable scenes in the movie Jerry Maguire climaxes with the main character telling his estranged wife, “You complete me.” Many people understand the line to mean "I'm not a whole person without you." As if a person is like a machine missing a critical part until the "right one' comes along.

But you could also hear it as a statement of realization that "I finally see how we fit together." Like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Or better yet, like two great works of art. The paintings or sculptures or rugs are beautiful on their own, yet together they create a new, compelling and intricate tapestry of vibrant colors.

Stephen Goforth